


Coping

by SeriesOfWords



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Acceptance, Anger, Bargaining, Coping, Denial, Depression, Five Stages of Grief, Grief/Mourning, Hospitals, Illness, M/M, Mild Language, Past Character Death, akaashi and kenma are sad together, akaashi cries, kuroo's dead
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:22:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26647456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeriesOfWords/pseuds/SeriesOfWords
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 14
Kudos: 18





	1. Denial

Stage 1: Denial

The first time Akaashi heard of Kuroo’s death, Akaashi laughed.

It wasn’t a laugh that showed amusement.

It wasn’t a laugh that made the situation seem like a joke.

It was a laugh that was filled with pain.

It was a laugh that showed his disbelief.

After all, the doctor was wrong.

Right?

Akaashi’s broken laugh echoed in the room before he calmed down and looked at the doctor with a blank expression.

“You’re lying”

The doctor sighed and looked at him. “I’m sorry, but I told you, we couldn’t save him....not in time”. He gave a pitied look at Akaashi who bit his bottom lip and had an unusual glare on his face.

“He isn’t dead, stop it. He’ll wake up soon. He’s just recovering.”

Akaashi was clearly in a state of denial. He wasn’t willing to believe it. “The heart monitor stopped. There was nothing we could do. The medicine wasn’t effective enough and his body was already weakened. I’m sorry” the doctor explained gently. A look of sympathy was on their face. “It seemed like he was going to be gone around this time anyways”

The room was eerily quiet.

Way too quiet for his taste.

Akaashi stood up, the sound of the chair dragging on the floor. He looked at the doctor with a scoff and he planted his palms, firmly on the table, his blue grey coloured eyes fixed on the doctors own.

“He isn’t dead,” He said nonchalantly.  
He didn’t want to believe it. Before the doctor had a chance to answer, Akaashi turned around before striding out of the office. He refused to hear another word of ‘we tried everything we could’ or ‘He didn’t make it’.

It wasn’t true.

It couldn’t be.

Kuroo wouldn’t just leave him like this.

He couldn’t.

He wouldn’t.

Right?...

Akaashi headed out of the room, the familiar smell of the hospital not affecting him by the amount of times he was there to visit Kuroo over the last year. The smell of disinfectant, body odor and the amount of chemicals that are used didn’t affect him as much as it did the first time he went. That’s a smell he’s going to have to forget now.

He shook his head to get rid of the negative thoughts.

He can’t think that way.

Kuroo’s still alive.

He pushed the massive doors of the hospital and was instantly greeted by the fresh smell of outside, the stench of disinfectant soon to be long forgotten. Akaashi reached into his pocket before fumbling for his phone and pulled it out. He pressed on a contact as he took a shaky breath and headed to his car, the phone pressed to his ear, the ringing sounds repeating itself until a voice could be heard on the other end. They sounded annoyed.

“Akaashi? What is it? I’m streaming right now”

“Kenma, the doctors said Kuroo’s gone”

Silence lingered on the other side as the streamer had no response.

Akaashi opened his car door and took a seat at the wheel. “You don’t believe them right? Kuroo isn’t dead. He can’t be”. He sounded so insisting. He sounded like the universe showed mercy and Kuroo was alive, and was in recovery.

“Akaashi…”

“Kenma, he can’t be fucking dead. He wouldn't leave me here. Not like this”

“Akaashi.”

“Like can you believe this utter bullshit?! They had the fucking audacity to say Kuroo died”

“ _Akaashi!_ ”

Akaashi stopped shouting at the phone. He has never heard Kenma shout like that. He didn’t even notice that he himself was practically yelling at the phone.

“I don’t want to believe it either, but the doctors were the ones taking care of Kuro. If they say he’s gone, it means he is…”

Akaashi blinked in disbelief. He didn’t expect Kenma to agree with the doctor so quickly. He couldn’t believe Kenma would just believe these lies so fast. He was Kuroo’s childhood friend anyways. So why?

Why?

Why?!

WHY?!

WHY?!

**“WHY?!”**

Akaashi screamed into the phone out of pure misery. His tone made the streamer flinch. Kenma was quiet on the other side but Akaashi could hear the quiet thump of headphones being put down and quiet sniffles of sadness on the other end. “Akaashi there was nothing we could’ve fucking done” He sobbed into the phone startling the ravenette who has never heard Kenma cry before.

Akaashi banged his fist on the steering wheel of the car and tears were threatening to spill out his own eyes. This couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be real. The doctor was lying. Kenma was lying. Kuroo would be awake the next day he visited.

Right??

Right?!

Right?!

**RIGHT?!**

Right?..

He refused to believe he lost a friend.

He refused to believe he lost his first love.

He refused to believe he lost the one person he could call home.

He refused to believe he lost Kuroo.

Akaashi started shaking as he leaned forward and pressed his forehead to the wheel, uncaring of the salty tears that fell after all the denying he did. It hurt. So. Fucking. Much.

He didn’t believe it.

He didn’t want to believe Kuroo was gone.

He can’t believe it.

“He didn’t leave me Kenma…” He sobbed and there were sniffles on the other end as a response from Kenma who was trying his best not to show he’s crying. Kenma knew his stream was witnessing a one sided conversation but he couldn’t bring himself to end the stream. He wasn’t holding up well but he knew Akaashi needed his comfort. He also needed Akaashi’s comfort in return.. He knew just how much Akaashi loved Kuroo and Akaashi knew just how much Kenma cared about his best friend.

“I wish he didn’t” was the painful truth Kenma provided for Akaashi

All Akaashi could do at the moment was cry. Kuroo was just there before he was just snatched away from Akaashi’s grasp by death himself. Kuroo let go and Akaashi hated that he did.

“I wish he didn’t either”


	2. Anger

Stage 2: Anger  
  
Akaashi found himself in Kenma’s house two days after the news after getting the news from the doctor. Akaashi is finding it difficult to look at Kenma considering the streamer was Kuroo’s childhood friend.

  
  


The same could be said for the latter who can’t look at Akaashi for a second considering the manga editor was his dead best friend's boyfriend.

  
  


There was no doubt the two of them were hurting inside though.

  
  


Akaashi couldn’t bear to look at the framed photographs Kenma had on display on his fireplace and the shelves in the sitting room. They were group photos with Kenma, Bokuto, himself and Kuroo. The smile Kuroo wore was so genuine. So wide. So….happy. If anyone who didn’t know Kuroo as well as the group did, they would’ve said Kuroo was perfectly healthy. 

  
  


Akaashi and Kenma both sat at the kitchen table, Akaashi sitting up straightly and eyes on his fidgeting fingers. Kenma was no better as he had his head in his arms, his two toned coloured long hair untied and fanned out on the table. 

  
  


Kenma for once was off his games. He ended his stream so abruptly leaving his thousands of viewers concerned after the call with Akaashi and the fact he was sobbing on camera. It was embarrassing to the famous streamer but he couldn’t give a fuck about it. He had all right to feel that way. He also disappeared from his public socials providing no explanation for what happened over the stream either.

  
  


There wasn’t any tension between them though. Just silence. There wasn’t much to say anyways. 

  
Akaashi came over to Kenma’s house to help with the planning for the funeral. He knew he’d be sad but he didn’t expect it to hurt so much just stepping into the large house. 

  
  


“Akaashi. You know he really loved you”

“I know”

“Whenever he was over, the only think he’d talk about was you”

“....”

“He spoke about you like you were his world”

“ _Kenma stop_ ”

  
  


Akaashi could feel himself getting angry. Kenma was just rubbing in the fact that he’s gone and that it’s just reality. Kenma noticed Akaashi’s silent anger and quieted down. 

“Let’s just start planning”

Akaashi nodded in agreement as that’s why he came over in the first place.

  
  


\----------------------------------------------------------

  
  


Akaashi found himself walking home a few hours later. Kenma offered to give him a lift but he refused. He didn’t want Kenma to go through the trouble of taking him to his house. He was already bothering him enough by adding more sorrow to the smaller man's burdens already. Besides, he needed to clear his head from the memories that keep reminding him of Kuroo. 

  
  


He angrily kicked a can that lay on the sidewalk in front of him as many thoughts ran through his head. Why did Kuroo of all people have to die? What did he do to deserve this? Why is death himself so unforgiving?

  
  


“This is just bullshit” He swore aloud as he kept walking, his hands furiously stuffed in his jacket and the scarf sitting snugly around his neck. “This isn’t fair. What did Kuroo ever do to this damn universe?!” He kept angrily muttering as he turned the corner, his breaths making a warm fog in the icy air. He hated the fact he had too many memories with Kuroo when they walked back to the house that now Akaashi lived in by himself. Akaashi always remembered when Kuroo would always say “I like walking with you more than driving because I get to spend a lot more time with the love of my life” and Akaashi would blush before slapping Kuroo’s arm as Kuroo laughed in pure amusement to his reaction. Those sweet moments were something Akaashi would love to live through again.

  
  


He forcibly jammed the key into the lock before turning it and pushed open the door. He stepped inside before yanking the scarf off his neck and tossed it aside in pure anger. The pictures that hung on the wall in frames just made him more angry at the universe for taking his Kuroo away from him. He made a “tch” noise as he shrugged off his coat, looking away from the pictures.

  
  


He couldn’t help but feel mad at Kuroo too.

  
  


All the promises they made were never going to happen.

The promises to graduate together.  
  
The promises to get married.   
  
The promises to get a future family.   
  
The promises to never leave the other.   
  
Kuroo broke all of their shared promises and Akaashi was mad at him for that.

  
  


Akaashi went up to the bedroom and pushed open the door. Kuroo’s stuff was still in there like his jacket that Akaashi loved to steal from him that was draped over the chair Kuroo sat in when he had to study for finals. That one plant that Akaashi could never seem to understand why Kuroo loved it. The clothes that belonged to Kuroo that hung in the closet, never going to be worn by the elder again. Akaashi cursed aloud.   
  


  
“Why the fuck did you leave me Tetsurou?” He growled, seeing all the items that just screamed Kuroo. “I thought you were never going to leave but look what you fucking did” Akaashi needed to calm down for a bit before deciding to change. He wasn’t in the mood to eat anything that night

  
  


He took a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt of Kuroo’s before changing into them before sliding into the spot he usually slept in on the bed before looking at the empty space that used to be Kuroo’s. “I just want to see you beside me again...” He touched the empty space beside him.

  
  


“What happened to all our dreams and future? Why did you break your promise? Why did you leave me?!” Akaashi squeezed his eyes shut tightly, unwilling to let tears come out . “What happened to you wanting to graduate?! What happened to us wanting to get married?! Why did you fucking give up Tetsurou?! Why did you fucking give up?!” 

Akaashi lay in bed, the blankets pulled up and wrapped around him tightly as he silently lay there after almost shouting at the empty space that lacked Kuroo’s presence. 

  
  


Akaashi hated the fact he got mad at Kuroo. He couldn’t blame him for losing the fight. He knew Kuroo couldn’t control his disease let alone control the outcome.

  
  


Akaashi hated the fact he was being too selfish for his own good.

He also hated the fact that he couldn’t help but fall asleep with a bunch of questions about Kuroo’s death in his mind.


End file.
